


too much is never enough

by lefargen



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, M/M, Panic Attacks, Polyamory, Youtuber! au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-18
Updated: 2019-02-18
Packaged: 2019-10-30 17:48:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17833247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lefargen/pseuds/lefargen
Summary: Doyoung has been a YouTuber since high school, gaining a large fanbase of 10 million subscribers who know everything about him. Well, everything except his two boyfriends.Or: Dojohnjae where Doyoung is a YouTuber who struggles with the balance of school, YouTube, and boyfriends.





	too much is never enough

**Author's Note:**

> hey guys! here is my new fic, i genuinely had so much time working on this and editing the pics for it! might even start a twitter account to make social media aus because making pics to embed in this fic made me so happy! enjoy!

“Hey what’s up you guys it’s Doyoung,” he begins speaking into the camera. It's been five years since Doyoung began his YouTube, and his channel hasn’t stopped growing. His very first video, titled ‘My Coming Out Story’, went viral immediately, launching Doyoung into this life that he didn’t quite feel ready for, even all these years later. 

Doyoung started his channel talking about his life, which makes it especially ironic that he is essentially living a lie in the face of his subscribers. He is worried that his fans will sense his inauthenticity and then abandon him. But at the same time, he doesn’t know if he is ready to tell his subscribers the truth. 

Doyoung has over 10 million subscribers now, easily one of the most influential creators on the platform. He is living under a microscope, his every move judged. He wishes that he could say that the hate doesn't get to him but it does. He doesn’t even want to think about the reaction the world will have when they find out he has not one, but two boyfriends. 

Doyoung is pretty old-fashioned in a lot of ways. He had never planned to date more than one person, didn’t even think that it was something he was into. But when the opportunity arose, Doyoung’s head was overruled by his heart, opening himself up to more love than he ever thought was possible. 

Doyoung started dating Jaehyun when he was in high school. In fact, Jaehyun was the one who encouraged Doyoung to make his coming out video. Doyoung fell for him so hard and so fast, he couldn’t possibly imagine falling for anyone else. 

Then he met Johnny. 

Johnny was the co-host to the weekly radio show that Jaehyun hosted on campus. The two immediately bonded over their love for radio, and realized that they had a lot in common. Johnny was a photographer and Jaehyun was a model. A match made in heaven. 

The first time Doyoung met Johnny was at a bar. The three of them ended up getting very drunk and one thing lead to another and next thing they know they are all back at Jaehyun’s apartment. This became a regular occurance until Johnny was a permanent fixture in their relationship, solidifying their feelings for each other and acknowledging their relationship. 

That was over a year ago, but Doyoung still hasn’t mentioned anything to his audience. 

And the thing is, his audience are starting to catch on. A lot of fans assume he is dating Jaehyun, and given what a permanent fixture he has been in Doyoung’s life since the very beginning, it’s obvious to see why. Last week Jaehyun posted a throwback photo of them from their very first date and fans went wild with speculation. 

There was a moment in time where Doyoung had talked to Jaehyun about announcing their relationship to his audience. But then they met Johnny and things became very complicated. Even though the three of them have been officially together for a year now, they’ve never brought it up again. 

Doyoung knows the two of them wouldn’t hesitate to announce their relationship if he asked. He doesn’t ask. 

Those who aren’t obsessing on his relationship with Jaehyun are speculating about the nature his connection with Johnny. Johnny is a hopeless romantic, always posting pictures of Doyoung online with sappy captions. Doyoung doesn’t mind at all. It makes him feel special. 

Doyoung wants to show off his boyfriends, he really does. But the thought of backlash holds him back, especially when… _Especially when Doyoung doesn’t know how long it’s going to last._

Johnny and Jaehyun are the perfect couple. They have so many things in common, Doyoung can’t help but feel like the odd one out. _Jaehyun probably met Johnny and realized they were soulmates. But Jaehyun is so nice, he would never break Doyoung’s heart like that… so he made this arrangement. And Johnny went along with it so he could be with Jaehyun._

Collateral. That is what Doyoung was. The extra baggage that Jaehyun and Johnny had to deal with in order to maintain their blissful relationship. 

Doyoung wraps up filming his video, and puts his equipment away. He’ll edit it later, when he has the energy to sit through a video of himself pretending to be happy. He quickly changes out of his clothes and into his pajamas, before getting started on his homework. 

Doyoung knows that he is well-off and well-established, doesn’t need to still be in school. But Doyoung is an anxious soul, and needs a backup plan for everything. Doyoung is in his last semester of college now, constantly running between responsibilities. 

_You’re too busy for a relationship. You aren’t committing yourself to this relationship. They are going to leave you._

Doyoung shakes himself out of his negative thoughts and gets to work. He shares an apartment with his boyfriends, but he also has his own studio where he spends a lot of his time. Some days, after hours of editing, he even spends the night on the sofa bed. He ignores the fact that his nights spent at his apartment are becoming less and less. 

Doyoung works for hours, his vision blurring with fatigue, before a door opening drags him from his thoughts. He looks up to see Johnny standing there, a warm smile spreading his face. _He looks happy to see you. Don’t mess this up._

“Hey bunny. Long time no see,” Johnny says, crossing the tiny studio until he is sitting next to Doyoung and pulling him into his arms. 

Doyoung feels himself relax immediately. Johnny is the single most loving person in his life. It’s so easy for Doyoung to get lost in him, to let everything that hurts disappear from his mind like distant memory. 

“You’ve been working yourself so hard, bunny. Come home with me tonight and get some proper rest. We’re worried about you,” Johnny says, voice soothing as he rubs Doyoung’s back softly. 

Doyoung agrees immediately. He hasn’t been sleeping very well lately, anxiety eating him alive. Telling him _You aren’t good enough. For your subscribers. For your boyfriends. For anyone._

And despite everything, Doyoung knows that he sleeps best when in between the two that he loves the most. So he gathers his stuff, and lets Johnny lead him to his car. 

“I didn’t tell Jaehyun I was coming to get you. He’s going to be so excited, bunny. He wouldn’t stop talking about how much he misses you during our shoot today,” Johnny says as he drives, hand fidgeting with the radio. Doyoung tries not to feel too guilty. 

They drive home without saying much, letting the soft drawl of the radio remove the silence. Elvis’ Can’t Help Falling in Love starts playing, and Johnny gives Doyoung a look that makes his heart ache. Doyoung grabs his boyfriend’s hand and intertwines their fingers. He hopes the gesture explains everything he is feeling in that moment. _I’m sorry I’ve been so distant. I love you. I really hope you still love me too._

When they get to their apartment, Johnny grabs Doyoung’s backpack for him, leading him up the steps and into their little home. When Doyoung enters the room, he is immediately greeted by Jaehyun’s wide smile, welcoming home. 

“Bunny, I didn’t know if you would be coming home tonight,” he says walking across the room. He grabs his boyfriend and pulls him into a soft kiss, and Doyoung can feel the love that Jaehyun has for him as they continue to greet each other. When they pull apart, Jaehyun looks at him with a smile so soft that Doyoung can’t help but melt into another kiss.

Doyoung spends the rest of the evening cuddled up with his two favorite people, feeling all of the stress melt away. He decides not to let the overthinking get to him tonight. He is going to enjoy himself and the time he has with his boyfriends. He falls asleep between Jaehyun and Johnny, the three of them tangled together, sleeping the best they have in weeks. 

Doyoung doesn’t sleep at the studio for 3 weeks after that. 

-

It isn’t until several weeks when everything turns to shit. 

Doyoung posts his new video, shocked at the possible response he is getting immediately. He tries to provide the best content he can for his subscribers, but he can’t help but feel like it is never enough.

He looks through the comments when he stops at one that catches his eye. “Doyoung is so authentic. That’s what I love most about him, there is no one on the internet as honest and open as he is!” The comment makes him feel sick. The subscriber doesn’t realize the double life he is living. The biggest part of him hidden from the world to see. 

He closes his laptop unable to deal with it at the moment, instead choosing to focus on his advanced statistics class. He had failed his last exam, something that has never happened to him before. When he got the test back, he felt his throat close as he was overtaken by a feeling he hadn’t felt in awhile. _Failure._

Since then, he has thrown himself into his studies, nose stuck in a book until he passes out, too exhausted to spend even a second longer studying. He only stops to attend class and upload his video. 

His anxiety over being a failure in his classes is in constant battle with his anxiety over being a failure with his YouTube channel. Every second he spends working on one are met with thoughts of the other telling him he needs to hurry up and work. It’s an endless cycle of stress and it’s tearing Doyoung apart. 

He hasn’t slept in his bed in three days. He knows his boyfriend’s are worried about him. He gets a snap from Jaehyun, telling them they miss him. But all Doyoung can think about is how they are on another date without him. How they seem to be doing everything without him these days. How much longer they will continue to miss him until they realize he’s not worth it. 

From there, Doyoung’s mental health spirals, the pressure of everything getting to him as he drowns himself in school work for weeks. He hasn’t posted a new video in two weeks, the longest he has gone since he started his channel. He usually allocates plenty of time to film his videos, but he is too busy studying, trying to grasp stats. He hasn’t been to the apartment in five days, and hasn’t gotten more than 3 hours of sleep in the time he's been at his studio. 

He takes a break to read through the comments on his last video, which proves to be a big mistake. All of the comments are speculating where he is. The top comment says “I hope Doyoung is taking a break. You can tell he is faking happiness for us. Hope you feel better, Doyoung!” 

Doyoung really thought he was better at hiding his stress. On the inside, he was a wreck. He completely acknowledges that. But on the outside he thought he was projecting a much different image. _I have everything under control._. 

Doyoung gets up and walks towards the tiny bathroom inside his studio. He looks into the mirror and takes in his appearance for the first time in weeks. His cheeks are sunken, making him look skinnier than usual. This is probably due to the fact that he wasn’t been eating enough. He undereyes are purple, making him look more tired than usual. This is probably due to the fact that he isn’t sleeping enough. 

His expression is the saddest he has ever seen on himself. This is probably because he isn’t taking care of himself. He isn’t surrounding himself with the things, _the people_ , that make him happy. He makes a plan for himself. He is going to study for another two hours, plan for a video that he will film in the next couple of days, and then he will go home. He will see his boyfriends and he will get a proper night’s sleep. 

He goes back to the couch and gets back to work. After he is done with all of his work, he packs everything up and heads out the door. It’s kind of nice out so Doyoung decides to walk home. 

Doyoung is halfway home when his phone starts buzzing. He ignores it, planning to check it when he gets home. He is just two blocks from home when he realizes that he can’t ignore it anymore, choosing to check his phone to see what’s happening. 

He is getting thousands of messages from his fans. 

_“OMG! We were wrong this whole time Jaehyun and Johnny are the ones who are dating!”_

_“This is probably why Doyoung hasn’t posted in 2 weeks. I bet he is heartbroken. Stay strong, bunny!”_

_“Now that I think about, it makes perfect sense. Doyoung isn’t even that compatible with either of them. Jaehyun and Johnny have so much in common like radio and photography/modeling. Doyoung doesn’t fit in with that.”  
_

They went public with their relationship. They went public without consulting Doyoung first. Because they probably didn’t feel the need to. Because it’s probably already over for them. 

This is the moment Doyoung breaks, tears immediately falling from eyes. Crying his heart out in the middle of the park by his apartment, having to stop and sit on the bench because he can’t stand for much longer without collapsing. 

Doyoung has been living a double life for so long, spending so much time trying to be good enough for both that he hadn’t realized he had been failing everyone all along. 

To the outside world he was Doyoung, the person who could manage both school and his YouTube channel with ease. But now he was failing one of his classes and hasn’t posted a video in weeks. Within his inner circle he was Doyoung, loving boyfriend to two amazing men. Two amazing men who were about to leave him. 

Doyoung knows he is having a panic attack. Can tell by his ragged breathing, the way his heart feels like it is about to beat right out of his chest. The way he feels like dying, like dying would be the easiest possible solution to the way he is feeling right now. 

His mind is going a million miles an hour reminding himself that he is a failure. He stretched himself so thin, trying to hold onto everything, that he ended up not good enough for any of it. A double life that turned into two half lives, barely sustaining themselves until they all ultimately imploded. You can only last so long when you aren’t dedicating your whole heart to something. 

Doyoung is too busy crying on the bench, mind chanting _You aren't good enough. Give up. Just give up, it’s not worth it. You were never enough for any of this,_ that he doesn’t notice the body run up and grab onto him. 

“Doyoung, bunny what’s wrong? You need to breathe, breathe for me baby,” the voice says panting half from fatigue and half from worry. Doyoung’s muddled brain works out that it is Jaehyun standing in front of him. He is in his running gear, probably getting a quick workout in. Doyoung knows that Jaehyun likes to run the trails in the park, something about the air being good for his lungs. 

Jaehyun stays with Doyoung for ten minutes, slowly calming him with practiced ease. This was far from the first panic attack Jaehyun has talked Doyoung out of, but would it be the last? Doyoung tries not to focus on that and instead works on his breathing until it's almost normal.  
When the two make eye contact, Doyoung realizes that this is the first time he has seen his boyfriend in four days, the only communication they’ve had being over text message. Doyoung is shocked to see Jaehyun’s own eyes filled with tears as he examines the elder, worry etched clearly on his face. 

Once Jaehyun is sure that the panic attack is over, he pulls Doyoung into the tightest hug of all time. “I’ve been so worried, Doyoung. Seeing you like that always makes me feel so helpless, like I’m going to lose you,” Jaehyun says, voice breaking as he speaks. 

“Isn’t that you want,” Doyoung asks softly as the fight leaves his body. Jaehyun’s actions don’t surprise Doyoung at all. He is a good person, he would never stand back and watch Doyoung have a panic attack without helping. But his words, well they don’t make sense. Why would Jaehyun care about losing Doyoung when he is going to break up with him?

Jaehyun pulls away from Doyoung, brow furrowed. “What do you mean bunny? Did something happen? Please talk to me. I want to help you, baby,” he says with desperation in his voice. 

“Aren’t you going to break up with me? Because I’m not good enough. For anything. For you, or for Johnny, or for my subscribers, or for my professors. I am letting everyone down and I am so tired. So so tired of not being enough for anyone,” Doyoung confesses as the fight leaves his body. 

Jaehyun starts fully crying at these words, horrified at what he is hearing. Doyoung is clearly going through a hard time and where was he? Why wasn’t he there for him? To love him and reassure him and tell him everything is going to be okay. 

“Break up with you? Bunny what are you even saying? Of course I would never do that. I love you. And what’s this about not being good enough? You have 10 million subscribers on YouTube and a 4.0 GPA. You are a wonderful boyfriend. Despite how busy you are, it’s always good to me, you’re perfect to me,” Jaehyun pleads, trying to get Doyoung to see that he is enough. 

Doyoung doesn’t know what to say. He is exhausted, and his brain isn’t processing this conversation very well. He voices his feelings to Jaehyun, who helps him up, walking him to their apartment. 

When they enter, Jaehyun tucks Doyoung into bed, telling him to rest. Doyoung falls asleep as the soft, wet feeling of Jaehyun’s lips press against his forehead. He doesn’t know how long he is asleep for, but when he comes to Jaehyun has showered and Johnny is home. 

His shifting catches the attention of both of his boyfriends. Jaehyun, who is laying in bed with him watching tv, and Johnny who is at the desk in their room editing photos, turn to him immediately. Johnny gets up and joins the two on the bed, indicating to Doyoung that it is time to talk. 

Although the thought of talking to his boyfriends makes him anxious right now, he knows he has to get it over with. He can’t keep living like this. 

“Doyoung, sweetie. I want you tell us everything. About how you are feeling and how long you’ve been feeling it. We want to understand you, Bunny. We’ve been so worried these past weeks,” Johnny says calmly, grabbing his hand. 

So Doyoung confesses. Everything. He tells them about the failed stats test (“why didn’t you tell us? I’m great at stats, I can tutor you bunny,” offers Jaehyun.) About the break he took from his YouTube channel (“of course I noticed that, I watch every video,” Johnny confesses, making Doyoung blush.) Even about him not feeling like an equal part of the relationship. Like Johnny and Jaehyun are soulmates and Doyoung is collateral. Their baggage on their way to being a happy couple without him (silence.)

“How could you possibly think that? Doyoung I have been in love with you since I was 14. Nothing is ever going to change that. It breaks my heart that we’ve made you feel that way, but I want you to know I’m in this 100%. You are not collateral or baggage or anything like that. You are my everything. I wouldn’t want to do this, or anything to be honest, without you,” Jaehyun confesses, wearing his heart on his sleeve. 

Johnny jumps in too. “Doyoung, I never would have entered this relationship if I wasn’t totally sure about my feelings for both of you. I know me and Jaehyun spend a lot of time alone together, but every second you are away from us you are on our minds. I love you so fucking much bunny, please understand that,” he finishes. 

Doyoung wishes that it is as simple as them reassuring him and him automatically feeling better about everything, but it’s not. So instead they make a plan. A commitment to making sure Doyoung is going to be okay again. 

They plan out a schedule. There is plenty of time allocated for studying, including time where Jaehyun can tutor him. They also make time for YouTube, Johnny offering to help film and edit Doyoung’s videos for him. Afterall, Johnny is much better with a camera than Doyoung is. Most importantly though, there is plenty of time for the three of them to spend together, dedicating time to make sure Doyoung is feeling happy and loved. 

They also implement new rules. No sleeping at the studio. Tell somewhere if you start to feel anxious. If you feel left out, communicate with us. Check-in more often. Don’t go too long without eating or sleeping. 

“Wait,” Doyoung says, as they are wrapping up their talk. “There’s one more thing I want to do. I don’t think I will finally be okay until I do this and can stop worrying about this double life I am living,” Doyoung confesses. 

Two days later a new video is posted on Doyoung’s channel. 

**Author's Note:**

> as always I am open to any and every form of constructive criticism. i have a markhyuck fic i am posting next week, please look forward to it!
> 
> [my twitter](https://twitter.com/lefargenjeno)
> 
> [my cc](https://curiouscat.me/lefargen)


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